Late September smells of mown grass and damp air. It tastes like a mouth with a cigarette wedged between its lips and a boy who I wish was someone else. Standing in its humidity makes me think of you. I hope that the gusts of wind blowing through my hair drifted here from four thousand miles away, that you had once stood in the same current, and that it carries the wavelength of your voice. That it had flown through the spaces between your fingers and against my own. I hope that it carries thoughts of me, that the particles trapped in its waves carry the same heartache every cell stitched into my skin grieves. 

from fif/sixteen year old jules

I consider myself a happy person. I've learned to handle life's issues far better than I was able to last year. And I know I made some melodramatic post a few months ago and admitted some pretty deep things, but I was handling things better then, too.

The thing about divorce is I've learned that there's always going to be one parent wanting to drag the children into the conflict. The one parent will text you and ask you to tell their former significant other about how sorry they are, about how they still love them, but they will never give you an apology. The one parent will get mad at you when you say you don't really want to live with them.  They will yell "I know I'm the enemy" when you get into an argument.

I have this fantasy where I can be happy without a sliver of bitterness tainting it. Where I can spend more than 24 hours with the other parent without wanting to leave. Where I can answer the phone and not feel anger in my chest, where my sister doesn't ask if daddy is ever going to come back. Where loud bangs in the house from my sister accidentally kicking the wall in her sleep won't wake me and fill me with fear.

I didn't realize that him leaving would be this hard to handle. That emotional stress doesn't just magically go away.  The catalyst can leave, but the issues don't.

Things.

• I graduate in a week.
• To say that I am exhausted would be an understatement. 
• I got a B on my last math test ever in high school. 
• My parents are officially split up and I'm kind of okay with it. 
• I've tried learning Russian again (in case you were wondering why my twitter handle is in Russian. Or if you thought it was just random syllables; it's Russian) 
• HOCKEY (but the Bruins are out)
• (Both are distractions but I'm in love.)
• I'm 90% sure i'm staying in Florida for two more years. 
• Can't go to New York. Wah. 
• I hate it but I also feel I owe it to my sisters to stay here a little longer. 
• I got a car. 
• We're moving again in three weeks (just to a different house, but I saw it today and it's adorable so I'm excited.)
• The amount of coffee I have been drinking has been absolutely obscene. 
• Also me and my mom are both investing in an espresso machine. I just wanted to put this here because it makes me extremely happy. 
• I'm happy but also feeling emotionally robbed. 
• I promise that makes sense.
• The amount of emergency house keys I have gotten from my family lately is also kind of sad but comforting. 
• I'm back to being a vegetarian. 
• I also started ballet again.
• A lot has happened in the past two months or so, I'm just too lazy to write about it in full paragraphs. 
• My brain is fried. 

"i will remember the kisses, our lips raw with love, and how you gave me everything you had, and how I offered you what was left of me, and I will remember your small room, the feel of you, the light in the window, your records, your books, our morning coffee, our noons, our nights, our bodies spilled together, sleeping, the tiny flowing currents, immediate and forever, your leg, my leg, your arm, my arm, your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again."